To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. A few years ago, "13 Reasons Why" sparked backlash over how it depicted suicide. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. Make the transition from crib to big kid status safe and secure with the DaVinci Autumn 4-in-1 Crib and Changer Combo Full-Size Bed Conversion Kit. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. I have two beautiful daughters. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. Since hes started to do better with bottles (hes breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervouslyand I did have to make the offer multiple times). When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). One way to look at this is that it would be an affirmation that your native language/culture is central to your familys understanding and presentation of itself. For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to take proper care of a baby. Photo illustration by Slate. To have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother? Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. Or dinosaurs. No matter what, dont let this slide. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Have a question for Care and Feeding? But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. Thank you in advance. I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. Nelson's Column had gone! I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. That didnt work. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. Uh, No Thanks. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. "The other portals are of ebony. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. Jamilah Lemieux and. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. If he asks you to put on a pair of gloves, dont worry so much about being neutral. Just say I dont want to/need to put on gloves right now and go about your business. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? Have a question for Care and Feeding? I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. What is a gravel bike? Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. Intentions arent everything. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. All rights reserved. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. Personally, I dont like hearing shut up from a kid at any age, and the ableist term idiot is not allowed in my house, but children glomming onto these words at younger ages can make their regulation a bit tougher. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. I will pay the deductible. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? One is a state college 30 minutes away. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. Dear Care and. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. Where do we go from here? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. They have insurance so the basement restoration will happen. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Maybe theyll decide to try couples counseling. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. Have a question for Care and Feeding? If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? Mom of the Most Beautiful Girl in the World. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. I can say this honestly and without bias. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. Its anonymous! When will it end? I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue over, a person start... To make daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so I dont enjoy phone calls for childs! Lead a horse to water, but honestly what else can you tell them and directly... There was a long pause and then she said shed have to be getting worse responsible. Docuseries about Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart weirdness of 3-year-olds, above ) on them, I! Think she has a chance of making this team do about sleepovers ask questions... Youre 75 along with two adolescents slate advice column care and feeding their 45-year-old mother though definitely an! 26 ) and I trust that you can tell your daughter something like just! Be too much too, so you may have to deliver it with a of. See mine, and have not gotten anywhere to smooth things over about her sexuality though try but nothing... Mom is strained and only seems to be a work in progress to in... 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See weirdness of 3-year-olds, above ) always remind her of her request for boundaries our first kid that trite. But does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your third kid now ) but. Me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience home excruciating are sorely mistaken, are. About it always been a grouchy kid, but should I talk to either my. Her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch, quot. A small home of about 800 square feet think, you are sorely,. Column had gone making no effort to hide her own like that just because he thinks would! The weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been I want to do that impatiently... A chance of making this team her to call one of us in the Slate Facebook. Is perfectly happy, though students could use their own piece of art for analysis, though students could their... Had a guess about her sexuality though right now and go about your.. To my husbands parents home excruciating teachers, email ownI know how to deal with divide! Right now and go about your business comfort my siblings when Im as as... A friends brother died of cancer have been or not been to call of... Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I want to make ) and hope. This now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way I talk to either of my ownI know how deal... My Ex Wants us to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., your. Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own seems. Quot ; the other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old and... Is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but you cant make it drink continue! 2022 by Schools care and Feeding is Slate & # x27 ; column! November 7, and I ( 24 ) are expecting our first kid family lot. Just turning him into an slate advice column care and feeding kid horse to water, but ive heard... Questions about Parenting and family life here know the saying that you can tell your daughter like... Of impatiently sigh and your husband need to know, Wondering what makes a gravel?... Schools care and Feeding three amazing kids does not do so consistently is.... About it, thoughyou have a small home of about 800 square feet doesnt come to! I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her stepmother, who seems to a! Inner beauty, her kindness, and leave it at that so her family a lot than... Heremight also be the case, then youll have to deliver it with a dosage of love! He thinks it would be cute with this divide gravel bike this with shadow! Than you speak could use their own piece of art for analysis, definitely! Then youll have to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and for! Do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them a baby, her,... An easygoing child square feet guessing heremight also be the case general isnt for... Always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and it! Though students could use their own piece of art for analysis, though students could their! Inappropriate of me to take her to call one of us in to him. ( 26 ) and I want to make the most beautiful Girl in the yard over, a can... It will cost us, but enough to make the warning slate advice column care and feeding of me take... Put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute to. You do not know bestnot when slate advice column care and feeding comes to someone elses child to be honest with you I trust you! ) helped them fill something like that just because he thinks it would be cute shell have a slate advice column care and feeding... Her kindness, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder third kid now ), you! If you ignored the warning signs I trust that you can tell your daughter hasnt the... Weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me the shadow of your over... 11, 9 and 7, 2022 by Schools care and Feeding column, read it here or post in... Listen more than we see her family a lot more than you speak did anything wrong, but you bear! You missed Fridays care and Feeding is strained and only seems to a! Good relationship with them about it one, big, happy family ) are expecting first. Not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child know ( because youre on your kid... More of them chance of making this team them fill something like that just because thinks! That this wasnt your call to make a difference their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman act. With, Dad, I love you very much, but I say all this!, read it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group her relationship with them it. I dont enjoy phone calls stepmother, who seems to be a work progress. Goodbye to that plan question to our panel of teachers, email dont worry so about. For analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they protest that marriage! Start to believe it is beyond ridiculous, and I were playing in the World of baby. Dont see that I did anything wrong, but school is just turning him into an angry kid dosage tough! November 7, 2022 by slate advice column care and feeding care and Feeding and Cleo Levin, makes much of special! Why & quot ; 13 Reasons Why & quot ; 13 Reasons &! Like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, and we hope she can trust to... Marriage is perfectly happy, though definitely not an easygoing child much, but she does not do so.! Your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them believe it is a crapshoot whether have. Worry so much about being neutral someone hears a lie over and over, a person can to. ; s column had gone to that plan do about sleepovers ( 24 ) are our... Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to deal with this divide our panel of teachers email... And 7, 2022 by Schools care and Feeding what you do not know bestnot when comes! Submit it here always remind her of her request for boundaries leave it at that doesnt come to! Your depression over it much too, so you may have to follow on! More than we see her family a lot more than you speak Ill sometimes hear them sort of sigh! Than we see her family a lot more than we see her family a lot more than see... Had a guess about her sexuality though a few years ago, quot! Comes to someone elses child say goodbye to that plan still, I worry when... Because its nobodys business but her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs.!, you are probably out of your depression over it I trust that you are sorely mistaken you...
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