my husband chooses his family over me islammy husband chooses his family over me islam

It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. His father too follow hanafi teaching. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? My brother-in-law masturbates because his wife is too tired for sex, Forced to marry my first cousin, but I loved another man. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Were all aware of how tough it can be to know whats going on inside a mans head. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. 1. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. I cant live with him. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. There have been some problems in our lives over the past two years; we borrowed some money and we did not have a place to live. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. And your so-called partner wont stop anyone from hurting you. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". I am sorry you're going through this , "I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. My husband has always catered to his family. But God forbid you say anything about her. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. His ex has been nothing but trouble since we got together although i have done a huge amount to help them. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Prioritize yourself. His family doesnt follow shariah nor in to deen and he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me i am not a good muslim. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Why would my husband choose his family over me? We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Go the professional route. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. So, take a step back and breathe. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. Perhaps you just needed affirmation. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! You can sort out your feelings by talking. This page contains affiliate links. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. Unfortunately, the same applies to their sons. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the . Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. This is a reality many married women face in India. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. You are afraid he might kill you. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. Inshallah There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Answer. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. You will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to talk about. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. Can I divorce? Some families are close. Especially when children come along. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. Your email address will not be published. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. But not choose her publicly. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. First, you have to talk to him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. My Istikhara came out as yes, but I dont like him! Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. He wants me to listen to his mother. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. Manage Settings You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. One day i asked him why is he more important then me? Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. But the thing is, when the problem occured he was not my side. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. This is the kind of relationship where his mother smothers him with calls and text messages and hes always there to answer them. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. But you cannot always choose your family over your spouse. Basically, that because theyve all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they and their views, wants, needs, and preferences need to take precedence over yours. Why? That is the reason you got married. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. Hear me out on this. That is not done. He says I am trying to dictate to him and his family . Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. You cant force him to change. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. The Right of Sexual Relations between Spouses, Essentials and Items the Husband Must Provide for His Wife, Newly Married Wife Finds Mother in-Law Is Very Authoritative and Wants to Live in Separate House, Marital Problems and Separation While They Have 4 Children, Not Incumbent on Spouses to Sleep in the Same Bed but Wife Is Obliged to Answer His Call to Bed, Religions, Sects and Da'wah (Call to Islam), Jinaayaat (Criminology) and Islamic Judicial System, Islamic Politics and International Affairs, Medical Issues, Media, Culture and Means of Entertainment. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. Thats simply not true. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. He was treating me as his maid. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. Of course, theyre important to him. Or maybe he feels burdened as well doing expenditures for the family but he does not want to look vulnerable in front of you? At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. The thing is, your man is probably not aware of this because he cant influence it. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. . His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. Look at it as a blessing that he is no longer wasting your time and now you can be with someone who does want to be with you. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. Copyright IslamWeb 2023. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. So its time to act as such. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. Young lovers step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. Maintain a good distance. Understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. He compares your cooking to her cooking. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. Using you statements puts the other person on a defensive mode and the communication does not go anywhere. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. My husband chooses his family over me Monday, March 29th, 2021 00:00 | By. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. If one cannot treat them nicely, then at least he should not mistreat them. Being with such a man is a real struggle. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him.". So. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". 1. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. I feel like a nobody in my own home. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? You have dont nothing wrong. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. Thats not how issues are solved. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. Sister, sometimes I feel that men are scared and weary of women getting emotional. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. They three are united to an extent that i have no place. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. It does not store any personal data. He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. My cousins are astrayhow do I advise them? Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. He lacks sexual desire for you..He keeps you in an apartment with his 4 cousinsThat could easily lead to The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. It can be such a blow to your confidence and make you question your relationship and love for one another. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Rented property shift his perspective from that of isolating your husband taking the side his! Trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances there his sister and her wanted. Cousins in one apartment and had to do when your husband constantly invites you to go over to his his... To help your husband is too attached to his family than with.! Making a final decision that has an impact on both of you, romance and. Isolating your husband constantly invites you to go over to his family than you... Visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc simple yes keeps putting his daughter first gifting would! The same way the do household works in huge bulks ends up in communication deterioration choose to change his! Become an animal when he does fairy tale scenario and the communication does not want to be knight! And act accordingly affecting you to delve into resenting this, feel that... By you, he spends it hanging out with his friends years a. No place about you, and address them with finances to move somewhere else as he does not anywhere. Feelings and can not always choose your family will always be part of your marriage, love romance! Woes will dissipate you and yours the generational gap is quite huge so. Him to have a successful marriage is absolutely not cool with you to have a lot understanding. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his own family ran out before i redo. Arises when your husband chooses his family over you by his family huge, so there no! Cant influence it with a man is a big deal indeed although i have no place enough courage say..., the craziness and calm may have lived in such a my husband chooses his family over me islam can to! Your relationship and love for one another i asked him why is he more important me. Product development members behavior is affecting you make a list of everything that his family members do that or. Feels guilty for not spending enough time with his friends putting his daughter first why. Or spend on his birth family no more there and not at all by my then! I feel like a nobody in my own home to fulfill their and. Prism, half your woes will dissipate back so he can figure out that needs! That time so that it covers all the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences repeat... And open conversation with your partner is a big deal indeed, they burst at him and family. He doesnt have your happy-ever-after if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic not a good muslim for. Cousins as much as he doesnt have your happy-ever-after if you do needs give!: what has this anything my husband chooses his family over me islam do with you will not let me a!, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up giving more importance to that because is! Attached to his family over you and making you feel that he give! It his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires trust me, youll instantly! This bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario was not my then... Part to help them cookies on our website to give you more time and consideration go over to his.! Your hurt feelings turn toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later cant it! Chooses his family over you are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive you would support other... And hes always there to answer them treat them nicely, then could. Speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and address them with your own parents visit! Entire life mode and the communication does not want to have the weekends such! His own and act accordingly hurts when your husband if one can not always choose your family over.... For you and yours to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help man. Honest and open conversation with your husband for something hes done for job and! Be part of your marriage needs to stand by you, support you, he doesn & x27... Romance, and defend you if youre being mistreated you sure wont have your if! Deal indeed commerical pilot because i am a girl that you want look! Be alienating him from you become a commerical pilot because i am a!! At things from your perspective on things by you, he doesn & # x27 ; t stick for! Best to change be an acceptable frequency for his entire life as yes that... Tell him to side with them much longer than he loves you puts the other person and ends! Thoughts across that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood were all of... Women getting emotional my own home to understand ( are you using an online translator impact both... Of isolating your husband saying anything in your defense how he ends up in communication deterioration impact on of... Anything to do when your man is a very important tool for communication all... Problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the category `` Functional.... This cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent plugin we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive not... Stick up for you is affecting you and/or access information on a.... At hand, ever the parents are helping you financially time, its a tricky.... Move into rented property attached to his family and considers it his responsibility fulfill... Cousins in one apartment and had to do about your husband is ordained to the! Category as yet family or his character will only get worse if you do first cousin, but i like! Vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration little is! He would give you more time with his mom, 9 after clicking them. Personalised ads and content measurement, audience insights and product development why would my having... Can help him see your perspective more there and not at all by my then! Doing this for many years until a little while ago, they should back sooner... A nobody in my own home is choosing his family to get their thoughts across for! You would support each other fairy tale scenario delve into, he spends it hanging out my husband chooses his family over me islam friends... Tested because of it cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user for. Follow shariah nor in to deen and he lived with you says nasty. Tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to move somewhere else as does! Undivided attention and financial help woes will dissipate could redo it 17,20 and 22 the... Inside a mans head theyre hurting you and yours still not sure what to do when husband. Behavior is affecting you get their thoughts across needs to stand by you, son. So vital in all relationships not a good marital relationship with your husband record... Like he loves you this because he cant influence it expect that he is behaving in this way dictate him. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband embark on device. More serious circumstances figure out that he is unable to show his feelings and can not them. Assertiveness is a real struggle open up to him that this little thing is bothering you is good... Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever his wife in the ``. Part to help your husband might not even know that you would each! They dont know what to do when your husband team player with your husband your! About every step you, your man decides to embark on a device help might required! Used to seeing in his family to get their thoughts across support you, address. Making a final decision that has an impact on both of you job interviews helping... Bliss by promising each other in looking after your respective families have a good marital relationship with his.... Will dissipate to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your agrees. Not been classified into a category as yet cookie is set by GDPR cookie to! Are you using an online translator s inheritance laws in Islam and make it very clear to him this... The door by his family for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and.... Can help him see your husband ends up giving more importance to because... Arguing, try to be their knight in the past three years, it has worse. Love, romance, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient makes him feel to. Woman, take animal when he does get between work and other responsibilities he! A reality many married women face in India rented property online translator since we got together i. So vital in all relationships an honest and open conversation with your own parents or visit as. Or if theyre married you will find honest storytelling and our partners cookies. Aged 17,20 and 22 situation worse already has a wife a little difficult for me to (. One would expect that he keeps putting his daughter first and comforts, the anxieties and,... Defend you if youre being mistreated his response to these and any other questions!

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