They think if someone hasn't been invited to something they shouldn't try to force the issue. My comment is still partially relevant however, in that it may feel more intrusive to have a visit at home rather than at work, given that work is a non-private space. You're not a late-night option and you're certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. I also generally deal with social anxiety and nothing brings it to a head like uncertainty of being welcome. It hurts to be the one being downgraded, but when it happens the only thing to do is respect their wishes and give them space. Now they just accept that they cannot ask to be let up to my apartment pretty much ever instead they ask if I want to do something or meet them downstairs. You dropped in and your neighbors offered you a Coke and you laughed and chilled out for half an hour and then you left. - Inviting Myself Along DEAR INVITING MYSELF ALONG: I suspect 2. Also works for anything else youve been asked to schedule in advance. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. If someone is dropping by all the time I would get annoyed, and it makes me nervous about the friendship because of reasons I talk about below. Or a girl invites you over to her house straight from a dating app? 4. I dont think it was all or nothing when I was a kid. Its kind of irrelevent in my case anyway, though, because I have no driveway or parking so someone coming to pick me up may or may not even have the option of leaving their car (if they find free street parking close but I wouldnt expect someone to find a parking spot and then come to my house, especially if it was winter). You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. Also I need to be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself. (stupid). Would you be up for that? The days when everybody was on the same schedule and you knew which hours people were awake and prepared to receive visitors are in the past. Ive always been under the impression that you dont disturb someone at work. 2. So a man who came by during those hours would be required to stand on the porch or at most in the foyer and state his business. The need to suddenly clean would discomfit me, sure, but I would be more bothered by some of the above. (Also, whats with assuming that people will be at home? Here are some of my favorite ways to invite myself. Instead they will be evasive. I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. I have physical pain on a not-infrequent basis. Other friends, other rules. Though, this also means they have to be willing to take sorry, I feel lame, could you come back another time as an answer, or be willing to futz around on their computer for a while if Im in the middle of a nap. Sometimes when we are in town visiting his friends will just stop in because they saw our car. I mean, sure, if we made plans 2 weeks ago, I might text you the day before to clarify, but 15 minutes? Other people find it a very productive way to be, however. Im also getting the sense that things are shifting between us a bit is there anything I can do to help our friendship be as comfortable as it used to be?. Shes my full time carer and she has a job, so housework is one more stressor. I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. Though I'm also a therapist and can offer in-depth, personalized help. In the case at hand, LW, your friend has made it clear that just dropping by because youre in the neighborhood is Not To Be Done, so dont. Company are the ones who cant, and therefore shouldnt show up early. If you just want to come in and chat and you have not ASKED beforehand or something, not going to happen. If you havent either asked me to pass your invitation OR invited him directly, you havent invited him. give yourself permission to stop making an effort to get onto their calendar. Im firmly in the camp of food is not bad and I refuse to feel guilty for it. That is what constitutes the perfect level of family closeness in her mind, so that is how it has to be: Family is always happy to see you any time of day or night (no matter how much of a nightmare you are). Or by initiating contact in some other way? So, my mother has started beseechingly claiming that she doesnt care about mess in my apartment. If you are going to be in the neighborhood, and would like to meet up with someone who lives there, I might suggest a call or a text like Im going to be in your part of town, on Wednesday. (For myself, its exhausting and I dislike the constant stream of people; but I try to be friendly and pleasant, and dream of days when shes moved out or Ive moved somewhere more secluded. If people arent showing up at your door because theyre worried its rude, you just have to let your friends know its okay: I love visitors, so feel free to drop by if youre ever in the area. If again he is a gamer, you could suggest you want to have a game night at his house. It also varies depending on how close my relationship is with someone. I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. On the other hand, if you tend to be a little more of a "dead weight" friend, or are actively off-putting in some way, then everyone's less likely to appreciate you trying to horn in on their plans. And thats really the hard part. Don't assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something you think is fun. If you're inviting somebody over to your house and it's the fourth date, there may be a presumption of sex on his part. For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. I'll go into more detail below, but this is really one of those areas where you have to use your own judgment. Im okay with that sort of conversation, yet its been my experience that most people are not. The vast majority of pies are not baked to shame the nonbakers. The reason is that I didnt invite you. If he was on his way somewhere else then I could expect it to be short, but it could also turn into a give a mouse a cookie situation pretty quickly. I have recently realized that these vague but powerful negative feelings I always had are called anxiety, and for me they always centered around dealing with other people. We should still be friends!. It can put the person organizing an event in an awkward position to be asked by someone if they can be invited. Is this someone Ive invited to my house at one time or another? They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. All of it. Theres too often that one person who will take such a phrase as permission to mentally or even openly label you as socially inept and start treating you with less respect or discounting your opinions about social things. In this particular situation, I dont think you did something WRONG/horribly rude, but your friend is now giving you the cue of please dont do this. So, you just gotta respect that for her, at least for right now, invites to her place are a no go. People who know me know Im a call or text ahead person. While I am still in the shower. Honestly there were quite a few times where Id learn I was invited by the host asking what type of drink/game I wanted to try and even a few where the host would ask me where I was the next day if I didnt magically show up. That being said, I would check in with yourself and ask, are you still spending solo time with your friends? If someone is going to turn up at my FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE err I mean apartment, I need to mentally prepare myself. You'll not only get invited to that person's house, but you may fill up all the rest of your free time with other people. Places like that are MINE, are safe, are meant to be shields against the outside world. Para enviarnos tus inquietudes, ideas o simplemente saber ms acerca de Cuida Tu Dinero, escrbenos. Even hahahaha, I get what you mean. Even if you're turned down, the hosts will appreciate the gesture. Any self-respecting grownup should have mouthwash and face-wash readily available for exactly these types of situations (and hopefully for themselves on any other normal night). I wouldnt assume stop by for a hug means needy at all, so long as thats something the LW previously asked for/negotiated with her friend. That is outrageous! If put on the spot they may feel too uncomfortable saying no. Yeah I work from home most days, so the house may be messy/I am working in PJs/I am in the middle of writing a chapter/I may be weeping under my desk please give me some advance notice! SERIOUSLY this is a big one for me. Goodbye, next time call a day or two in advance and we can schedule something.. If you can learn to be a bit easygoing about this, you will come across as a very relaxed, chill dude [person] who is not afraid to ask someone out [take the lead socially] but who doesnt hold on too tightly. Also I dont care how YOU (or the poster above you) feels about the underwear on my floor, Im still picking it up before anyone comes in. Dont demand. If youre not my bestie, I dont think you have a right to an explanation for why I invited you to Event A but not Event Very Like Event A. Not every surprise visit was unwelcome. Fortunately, we live in a world where women are empowered to go for what they want rather than sitting quietly and hoping their wishes come true. As an example, Im one of those people who really does enjoy receiving unsolicited advice, and it makes me sad that I so rarely receive it. (Never again!). Day. Im not a fan of the dropping by. If she says 3pm pick something fun to do, and leave your house at 3:15. But generally? If youre a very social person and if you do know how to stick to a time limit then leave, awesome. ), ps. Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. Guys can be very easy-going with their toiletries and appearance. Exactly that last sentence. Remember, you're dealing with a girl and girls are very sensitive. Recognize that for whatever reason, shes pulling back. A random person? Yeah, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to have people over. "You know where he lives?'' "No. (Mine: Id rather you called first, but if you dont, be willing to accept that I might tell you that its not a convenient time and ask you to leave.) Secondly I don't think he would even look at you if he wouldn't like you. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Much communication later, of course, things were happier. What if they didn't want them to come, or wanted to keep the get together small? Ask him what his plans are for a specific night. Depends on age and social skills; if travel is involved, the kid(s) in question may be too young to go on public transport/cross the main road etc. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. 3. On the other hand, living in a separate home with my family yeah, call ahead. Its very common for people to recall the past in a way that reflects an idealized world, or at least one that mirrors a happy period in their young life. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. Guess dichotomy, but one thing that Ive realized I have friends who will ask, but theyre totally fine with cheerfully accepting my no or I cant this time or actually, I prefer to see that friend one on one, etc. It can feel highly embarassing that you cant maintain higher standards. So maybe consider asking her on the kind of friend-dates you would go on someone youre friends but not BFFs with? A similar (probably unintentional but still annoying) tendency Ive seen in some of my friends is to lead with partial questions, e.g. It would be a million times better if it went like this: Her: Hey, I had this idea that maybe we could do such-and-such thing this Saturday. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. I was coming to say the same thing. Come and help me usher in a new age. I care a *lot*, because having my mother constantly belittle me, my housekeeping skills and my space whenever she visits makes my home feel not like a safe space. A lot of social and work-related visits to my home are with a minimum of notice, so I tend to prioritise cleaning up the living room and then dont bother so much with the kitchen or upstairs. That. Im inattentive-type ADD. Its why some older houses on real estate listings have reception room in addition to lounge. I like to be alone. Would you like to hang out at the mall on Sunday. 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